Take your time...

An Article published on Times of India

After a breakup, you can’t keep moping and have to move on. But take care and don’t hastily enter another relationship
You are fresh out of a bad relationship. You’ve been tied down so far. Right now, the world is open to you. You are independent and hopeful of finding true love maybe this time. BT tells you to take a chill pill, relax and enjoy your newfound freedom and wait for the right person to stop by. A breakup, including a divorce, certainly means a lot of pain and heartache. There’s a feeling of failure. Even if the separation was your initiative, the process is painful. This is often coupled with loneliness and a fear of rejection and ridicule from the society. Although many of us might put up a brave front, quite a few are still susceptible to giving in to social qualms. At this point of time, it is advisable to realise that the very fact of ‘accepting’ that you were in a bad relationship was a brave deed and you have consciously decided to walk out because everyone has a right to be happy and comfortable in life. After the initial turmoil comes the rest period of ‘notbeing-in-a-relationship’ and ‘happy-being on your own’ and thereafter comes a point when you feel that it is time to move on and maybe get lucky in love again! When dating the first time after a breakup, it’s often easy to get swayed and automatically see this relationship as godsend. Especially with all the hurt and pain within you, you find comfort with this new person. You could feel a new zest towards life and a rejuvenated joy of feeling needed. You believe that everyone’s not the same and the mystery of discovering more about this new unknown person can be quite thrilling as well as taking your mind off the bad patch gone by. This is understandable and normal. The first new relationship after all those painful feelings does feel like a gift from heaven, salvation from rejection, loneliness and failure. And it may be one or all of these things. “But there are all the chances that it’s nothing but a relationship on the rebound,” says relationship counsellor Maneka Sahi. “You might ignore or dismiss obvious areas of incompatibility. Worse yet, you might gloss over potentially dangerous issues like abusive or controlling behaviours, substance abuse or other risktaking behaviours. For all you know, it can lead you to a total new arena of discomfort and could result in yet another bad relationship!” Sharmilee P (name changed), a 28-year-old executive agrees. She tells us her story: “After a bad marriage and a divorce, the first man I got attracted to became my life in no time. I guess I was craving for attention and emotional security. But, getting into something so quickly was the biggest mistake I made. I was totally blinded and chose to overlook obvious signs of incompatibility. Honestly this relationship was worse than my marriage. It went on for two years and ended on an ugly note.” The key here is to tread carefully. After a breakup it’s time to move on, yes, but with care. Dating is good and healthy, say counsellors, but if it’s heading towards a relationship then one must take a little time before getting into it. Do not ignore even the smallest sign. Of course that doesn’t mean you end up being paranoid and uptight! You just have to be a little cautious. You surely don’t want to be hurt the second time around. Remember the first relationship ended because it ceased to give you your much needed personal happiness and comfort and there’s no reason why you should compromise with it this time.